Hollywood Brain

I own a studio.  It makes blockbusters, comedies, romances, dramas, tragedies, and epics.  We make millions of people happy, and have numerous awards from the academy.  I mean we are worldwide successes.  Unfortunately it is all in my head.  I told you before that I was a very dramatic person.  Most of it I am finding out comes straight from my reaction to the Hollywood style movie that plays in my head when I start thinking about things.  Give us some examples you say? That’s a sticky situation, I am making an effort to close the studio doors and have the archives incinerated.  You see it is not a matter of having an imagination.  I think imagination is a gift straight from God.  I happen to have a very vivid imagination.  The problem I have is that it controls my thought process too often.  It controls my emotions too much here lately.  It actually got to the point where I had to literally pray for a comatose state for about an hour.  I didn’t get it, but I did find relief in taking the concerns of my heart to God.  It’s amazing how you can unburden yourself in prayer.  The trick is to leave it there.  I happen to be the world’s biggest taker back of things I lay in God’s hand.  I think it is because I can be selfish with things I am worried about.

One of the things that drive me insane in life is for someone to ask me to do something for them and then stand over me and tell me how to do it.  My opinion is that you know who I am and you know how I do things.  If you didn’t want them done my way, then why did you ask me in the first place?  God is the same way.  We ask God to do things for us.  We beg Him to take over the situation and work His will, but at the same time we want to look over His shoulder and give input.  That is my Hollywood brain theory in a nutshell.  We give our concerns to God and then we lie awake at night and say, “what if this, and what if that!?”  It drives us into frenzy.  We play the situations in our head; we feel the emotion before we ever have an opportunity to experience what reality is like.  The end result is that we have suffered from emotional loss and exhaustion before there is anything to actually be upset about.  If it hasn’t actually happened how can we get upset about it?  Okay I guess I do have to give you an example, it’s from a different situation than what I am dealing with now, but it will work.

A couple of months ago I accepted the full time position at my work.  It involved an hour drive to another location, but it had more money and more hours which was what I needed.  I planned my entire budget based on the hours I would be getting and the money that would be coming in.  I signed on an apartment based on that money.  I allowed child support to be based on that money.  Major decisions were made based on this new pay scale.  I worked really hard for a week and a half.  When I walked in the store after being quite pleased with my work the previous day I had a new manager.  She looked me straight in the face and said; oh you’re the one going back your other store.  I panicked.  Better yet I nearly fainted.  I could not believe the audacity of the higher ups.  I was promised this job, I had based all of my finances on this job.  I ran every scenario.  I was stuck where I was living, I wouldn’t be able to make it.  I would be out on the street.  And before the work day had passed I was miserable because I was homeless, in my mind.  In reality, they were moving me back to be full time at the place I had just left.  Had I taken a moment to trust that what I had entrusted God with would be taken care of, I would have saved the studio in my brain millions.  I swear, I played out five different movies in my head and none of them had a happy ending.

Now the point I am trying to make is this.  Things come up in life that are difficult to deal with.  Is it difficult for me to deal with this divorce?  Well if you read the first three chapters you would know that yes it has been very difficult.  It has been a monumental task on my soul, my mind, and my heart, not to mention my body.  However, I am learning something in this.  I am growing in this very much, and the only reason I am able to say that is because I have completely surrendered what is going on to God.  It is not easy to do, and yes I still struggle with not running the movies in my mind.  I still have worries and concerns, and they are big ones.  They are life altering worries and concerns to the rest of the world.  The difference is that I know for a fact in the end, it is all going to be fine.

I know, you cannot possibly believe that I can honestly say that it is all going to be fine.  I can, I am, and I will continue to.  Why?  Because God has already proven to me in this situation that all I had to do was surrender to Him.  All I had to do all along was give up, let go, and let Him show me exactly where to go and what to do.  It doesn’t make me a robot, or a mindless clone.  It makes me free of the worry that the world wants to heap on me.  It makes me free to step back from life and say thank you God for the peace knowing that You are in control.  Because in the end, the fact of the matter is that He is.  Did God cause my divorce to happen?  No, what He did was look at a man who he had sent enough messages to and said okay, you make these decisions, they are yours to make.  He turned me over to my sin.  He said he would do that in Romans.  He did, and the wages of my sins came collecting on my sorry carcass.  It took me finally seeing that my way of doing things was the wrong way and that the only way I was ever going to be happy in my life was to completely surrender to God.  And surrender is wonderful.  It is finding freedom in Christ.  It is finding that all of the things I was worried about, all the doubts I had made no difference.  The way I thought of myself was useless, it was the way that God saw me, and how He sees me now.  I admit there are going to be times when I stumble; there will be times when I try to take control.  It’s going to happen; it will probably happen when I lay down to go to bed tonight.  But I have something huge to look back on and remind myself what happens when I am in control.  I am not rich; I don’t drive a fancy car.  I am not living the American Dream, in fact I have very little, more than I deserve though.  I don’t have everything I want.  What I have is a relationship with a God who gives me everything I need, and moves the desires of my heart to match His will.  What I have is a goofy smile of happiness in the face of a world that says I am going to be swallowed up and destroyed by it.  What I have is assurance that no matter what, I am never alone, and I am always cared for, all I have to do is follow, trust and obey.  Now if you will excuse me, I have some movie reels to burn, and some executives to fire.


2 comments on “Hollywood Brain

  1. Like this one too, if only because I’ve played the “what if” game many, many times. Praying for you, dude.

  2. I really like this one too. Isn’t the peace only God can bring wonderful? 🙂

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