Long lines tend to be the bane of my existence. I do not like to wait for anything. I don’t like to wait at the bank, the doctor’s office, at amusement parks, or at restaurants. I don’t like to wait for paint to dry either. I do not like waiting. It makes me miserable to have to wait on anything. I guess I didn’t come preprogrammed for patience for anything. I get a lot of anxiety built up in my head about anything, trying to guess the future. I don’t know what it is about me that cannot stand to wait for anything. It’s not like I have anything else going on, I have nothing to do but wait. Maybe it’s because I don’t like to be in one place for any period of time if nothing is going on. Or maybe it’s because I don’t like feeling uncomfortable, and therefore don’t like to wait around for anything. This is a part of that frustration that I talked about in the last chapter. I have new skills to try out, new ways of thinking to stretch right, why am I having to wait here? The answer is not hard to find. I’m waiting here because God has not moved me.
It’s funny how we will say things like, “I will wait on you Lord.” But most of the time we don’t. we go ahead and move without Him. I think I’ve done just about enough of that in my life. So what am I supposed to do about this frustration. I pray, and I still feel unsettled. I read the Bible and I still feel unsettled. I feel like these walls are closing in around me. I feel like I am getting cabin fever in this place. Not my apartment, but my situation. My human mind tells me to just go, go do something else and get out of this mess. Fix what you’ve broken and go back to where you were happy. AHAH! I caught it. That is the lie that creeps in and seeks to do damage to what has already been repaired. Oh it would be so easy to go back to that way of life. It would be so easy to beg my way back in. Even now as I write this the ideas and lines and words come flooding inside my head. Would it not make sense that if I am not happy (and when I say happy I’m not saying that I don’t feel better) that I would seek to go back to a time when I was? Would it not make sense to go back to her, beg her to take me back, and ride off into the sunset together? There’s a problem with that line of thinking. That line of thinking ignores that before I was a fake and a liar. Oh sure, things have been forgiven. That isn’t the issue for me. The issue is that I was living outside of God’s will. I was seeking to be my own man. In fact I think I actually used that line one time when talking to someone.
Being the movie buff that I am, I tend to memorize all of these lines from movies. One of my favorite series of movies is the “Pirates of the Caribbean”. In the third movie we see this old love story between Calypso and Davey Jones. Calypso had given Jones a job ferrying those who died at sea to the afterlife. Over time however he changed in what he did because of his heartbreak over Calypso. In a very dramatic scene they finally have it out with each other and she says to him this fantastic line, “You have corrupted your purpose.” Insert your own Jamaican accent there. It’s a powerful realization for Jones, and he admits his undying love for Calypso and fades through the wall. It’s actually quite sad if you think about it. Here was once a man who fell in love with someone who simply did not share the same views on love that he did. She was wild and untamable, and in his madness over her he lost his way. He corrupted his purpose. It gives a fascinating look into human nature and how we perceive love. As a man I can see just where he is coming from (yes I’m assuming you know the movie so follow me here). He fell in love with this woman, in some strange bit of surrender to her he agreed to spend ten years at sea as a ferryman for the dead. After ten years he was allowed to come ashore and be with whom he loved. The problem was that she wasn’t there. I can see his anger, and his rage. He was forgotten, he was cast aside as useless and unwanted. And in that emotional state, he changed everything he was.
There is a similar stain in my life. The metaphor holds true. I carried many things into my marriage. In carrying all of that baggage I changed who I was. I think I have already described this, but I would remind you of it, because it is a cautionary tale. I corrupted my purpose. We have already discussed how Jesus is the purpose for your life. To that truth there can be no doubt. We cannot corrupt Christ, but what we tend to do, what I did, is to warp how we understand what we are called to do in life. I looked at the material things in life and the so called normal that I saw in the world. I looked around and saw the outside of suburbia and thought that was what I was supposed to seek after. The problem was that in order to have that I had to take my eyes off of Jesus. Remember what happened to Peter when he took his eyes off of Jesus when he was walking on the sea. He sank! Yeah, same thing happened here.
So there are two things to take away from this little episode here. The first is that if you carry baggage through your life, you are only going to get tired of carrying it and then try to find a place to stow it. Your marriage cannot be that place. Baggage for a Christian must be checked at the cross. You cannot say God carry me to a better life and then keep carrying the mess you had before you met Him. You have to check EVERYTHING and let Him carry you. The second thing is that no matter what is going on you must keep your eyes on Jesus lest you sink in the deep dark ocean. Now back to the original problem.
I told you I am frustrated with waiting. I am fighting with my brain about what to do, when my spirit is saying, “ wait you moron!” I think part of me is scared that I will end up like that guy in the joke. You know, the guy who is in a flood and prays that God deliver him. A canoe, a motorboat, and a helicopter come by and still he sits on his roof. In heaven he asks God why he was not rescued, and God says, “ I sent a canoe, a motorboat and a helicopter what more did you want?” Yet in the end, I must check my fear, and my frustration at the cross and leave it there. I am here. I know something big is coming, the devil is trying hard to shake my focus and my reserve. He is throwing things in front of me to make me change my course. I wait for the Lord. “My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning…” (Psalm 130:6). I would encourage you. If you are feeling the same thing in your soul, the wait, that God gives you when you are praying for something. Do it, wait! When I look back on how many things I rushed ahead on when I was supposed to wait it makes me feel a deep sense of failure. Because when I didn’t wait on God’s timing to make a move. I missed out on so much happiness and so much blessing. My son tells me when I tell him to wait for something he always say, “waiting is hard daddy!” It is son, it is. However, I know that God provides. I know that God has a plan. It would be a shame if I ran ahead before it came to fruition. I would be no better off than I was before I got to this place. You can’t go back to what you where before you were changed. Why on earth would you want to? What God has for you now is so much better!